☆Post Tenebras Lux☆

In light of one of Shan's posts asking "am i really THAT hard-to-get?" and then continues... "i admit i have sky-high standards for a guy.. but hey! i figured i deserve the best for myself.. right?"

RIGHT!!!

So what makes the best??

I found a list tonight of the things I wanted to look for in a guy... I wrote this the week Andy and I broke up and I kinda forgot about it until my mom suggested that I write a list again. Obviously, when I wrote the first one I had a lot on my mind and time to think through every little detail... meaning the list is long, and some things don't matter to me anymore. Some however, are good reminders to me that I can't settle...

#1. He will love me for exactly who I am.
#2. He will treat others well.
#31. He will be a good friend.
#37. He will be happy just to hold my hand.
#38. He will take responsibility.
#44. He will stay true to his decisions and opinions.

These aren't all of the important ones obviously, but highlights that definitely still apply. And not to say I don't want him to consider other sides and not be afraid to re-evaluate and change his opinions, but it does matter very much that he does not lose who he is when things go wrong... that he not abandon his morals when things get tough and take the easy, low road.

At this point, I'm not sure how to tell Casey that I can't see him or hang out with him anymore... so I'm hoping just drafting this will help to put things into perspective... Though he won't read it and I'm not sure if or when I'll say it... but for now, these are my thoughts.

Things have changed for me in the past few months, from feeling better from being off the heart meds, to still having blood pressure issues, to having my grandpa be sick, and the tragedy of our town losing Ethan Mills... All of this so close together has just really made me think about life and my friends and the world and goals and the things that actually matter.

This is the best reparation I can give:

Life is too short to engage in fights, or continue them with snide comments and dirty looks. For even the smallest of our arguments, I am eternally sorry. I wish I had been the kind of person I hope to be one day... the kind of person who could have just stopped, and taken a breath, then replied with a smile, "I love you, and I know we can figure this out together." Perhaps more disagreements could be absolved this way than we will ever know.

You said once that if you love someone you just don't give up. I think this is true, but I also think we gave up because we focused too much on that love and not the bigger picture. Love became what I needed or what you needed - instead of what we needed.

I understand that my sickness was perhaps the biggest cause of this. And to this day, it is the one factor that frustrates me beyond all else... the one question that continually breaks my heart to think of. Why did you not have any leeway or forgiveness for someone who was loosing their mind to being sick? You were mad all the time for how I was and I think you're still mad at me for it... and may never forgive me for it. But this is the one thing I had no control over. What I needed was for someone to not give up when others were. To be determined not to go anywhere no matter how long it took... to reassure me that we would find the answer... to say, "just let me hold you while you're falling apart."

I know you had things you needed too. You said months later in a text that you were ready to take the next step in our relationship and spend more time together... I am so sorry that I did not understand this. To me, it always seemed like you were asking and asking for more time. That what I did was never, never, never enough... you were always upset over this...

This is where I find myself asking why wasn't I enough? Just me? If you loved me, and this love was enough for you to want to work on the next step of our future, then why was it not enough love for you to wait for me? Why couldn't we take time to keep what we had constant, while the world was changing around us with family, college, dorm, friends and health. Why couldn't we just be solid rocks for a semester?

This is where the frustration sets in, because everyone is telling me it's my fault - that you are doing it because I broke your heart or some such thing. But I never wanted what happened... I wasn't trying to hurt you. You never seemed happy for months, so what was I supposed to do? You just went on existing in this state that felt like you were constantly blaming me for being sick. I'm sorry, but I think a lot of guys do this thing, where they give up on the relationship but they refuse to end it. They force the girl to it so things are her fault... instead of theirs... so they won't be the bad guy. So fine, if you think it was my fault, what do you think I was supposed to do? You refused to be happy and supportive and yet you wouldn't pull the plug. The mixed signals are enough to drive anyone crazy.

Another facet of this I think is how we communicated. I was feeling like you were driving me crazy for more time... but I didn't know how you were looking at it - as taking the next step. This is an incredibly sweet thought and I wish you had just said so up front... That you had told me that I meant enough to you to want to start talking about more serious things like spending more time together... that it had a purpose to you that was for us... instead of how it felt demanding to me. I misunderstood and I wish you had told me.

But perhaps you didn't tell me because you weren't forgiving me for being sick. I'm not sure to this day that you, and even others, understood how sick and scared I was. I never intentionally was sick during plans, or canceled for any other reason. You wanted to go on trips up north, and do a lot of other things. It's not that I didn't want to - even though that's how I know you took it... I wanted to go out and do so many fun things more than anything. I wanted to be our relationship to be one of adventure... I thought you knew this from the museum dates, zoo lights, Schnepf Farms for carving pumpkins, making things at As You Wish, and even going ice block sledding at Kiwanis when we could have been kidnapped by that cult.

I wanted these things just as much as you.

Things turned however, and you started to become someone I didn't know... The guns, did and still do, frighten me. They are not something I believe in. But it is more than just this...

I know that we have been trying to be friends now, but you have to understand that because of what I've been through with my health that I hold my friends to the same morals I would hold a boyfriend. I need to be able to trust them and have honesty... and since we have started talking again, you have not been the honest, nor the kind person that I know you can be. You said the people you were hanging out with changed and were making better choices. Which they aren't and now you are engaging in their bad habits. In addition, you said you wanted to hang out with me, but you've had no time because you're busy with the house. As others, and even yourself in the same text, have said - you've been hanging out with people a lot. I'm not complaining, it's your decision if you want to see me or not. I'm just saying there is no point in lying about it.

The biggest, and most frightening thing however, is how you have changed into one of the people you hang out with. They lie, steal, cheat, drink, drive drunk, smoke, deal... They do not care about anyone but themselves... They do not understand that what they do has an affect on others. That they are irreparably injuring themselves and how high of a risk they are to hurting or killing others. They have been blessed with this incredible opportunity of good health - they can rely on waking up in the morning and being able to get out of bed... and yet they do not have goals, they do not seize the chances they have to help others... they don't even show small kindnesses...

I know the person you were and can be and this is just not who you are... everytime I think of it, and of the photos and posts I've seen... my heart just plummets. It sinks through my whole body to the floor in an indescribable way that has made it next to impossible to get out of bed since I found out. And though what they do makes me angry, this anger does not even compare to the hurt caused by you participating in these things. You know more. You know that you are lucky to have your health. It is the thought of you hurting yourself or having something happen that could ruin your future that makes me feel like I'm going to explode from not being able to cry enough... that I am so helpless in this... so shocked... that you are doing these things I never even dreamed you would. You had personal reasons not to - reasons that did not relate to me. So fine, I understand we both are changed by the relationship and the break up, but we promised ourselves that these morals and personal reasons to not engage in such things would not change. This promise to ourselves matters more than all the promised combined that we made to eachother.

Even though I cannot understand how you can hold a grudge at someone for being sick, I still feel responsible. I wish I could make this go away, because the the feeling of never being able to forgive myself will not go away, and I'm scared to death that something worse will happen to you with the group you're hanging out it... from which I would not be able to recover from. I think I'd always punish myself for that if it happened... I know you are a better person than this, who has more hopes and dreams than this, who has more kindness than the person I was met with two days ago. So not for me, but for yourself, Casey please come back to who you were...

Today has been one of the longest days.

Grampy had a procedure today where they shocked his heart to get it to beat correctly, and we were told it worked. But now, come to find out his heart has gone back. I think it was their last option to get it into the correct rhythm, so now I am not sure what will happen and when. I'm missing him and missing being a little girl on his lap, crunching crackers into our leftover milk from lunch, and sneaking out wafer cookies out of the cabinet for us to eat. I miss how my little hands used to fit in his - and wondering how they always felt puffy and soft, even though he had done hard manual labor on the farm, planes, cars, and TVs his whole life. And not knowing how to comfort Gram... What do you say to someone who is preparing to loose the person they've been side-by-side with for 65 years? And then just being reminded that it's back to reality, and back to waiting.

To make today extra hard, it is Casey's birthday and the first year in three years or so that I haven't celebrated with him. So many thoughts and different perspectives have been going through my head about us and how it used to be and how it is now. More and more changes keep popping up on my news feed each time I sign in... and each is a further diversion from who he used to be and who I loved him for... which is harder to watch than I thought it was going to be.

Mum keeps saying that I need to stop thinking about past and future and think about now, which has never been a strong point for me, but I'm trying to practice to avoid panic attack feelings. So, for now, the plan is to put on Atonement, curl up under giant covers with puppy and try to stop feeling heartbroken.