Long Day

Today has been one of the longest days.

Grampy had a procedure today where they shocked his heart to get it to beat correctly, and we were told it worked. But now, come to find out his heart has gone back. I think it was their last option to get it into the correct rhythm, so now I am not sure what will happen and when. I'm missing him and missing being a little girl on his lap, crunching crackers into our leftover milk from lunch, and sneaking out wafer cookies out of the cabinet for us to eat. I miss how my little hands used to fit in his - and wondering how they always felt puffy and soft, even though he had done hard manual labor on the farm, planes, cars, and TVs his whole life. And not knowing how to comfort Gram... What do you say to someone who is preparing to loose the person they've been side-by-side with for 65 years? And then just being reminded that it's back to reality, and back to waiting.

To make today extra hard, it is Casey's birthday and the first year in three years or so that I haven't celebrated with him. So many thoughts and different perspectives have been going through my head about us and how it used to be and how it is now. More and more changes keep popping up on my news feed each time I sign in... and each is a further diversion from who he used to be and who I loved him for... which is harder to watch than I thought it was going to be.

Mum keeps saying that I need to stop thinking about past and future and think about now, which has never been a strong point for me, but I'm trying to practice to avoid panic attack feelings. So, for now, the plan is to put on Atonement, curl up under giant covers with puppy and try to stop feeling heartbroken.